At Seventeen
by Andrea
Summary: Monica goes through a depression, rated for suicide theme. Based on what I've seen in life.
1. At Seventeen

**_At Seventeen_****__**

**_The inspiration for the fic is from a song by the same title and my own experiences from being teased and made fun of at my old school. As much as you may hate it, this fic is the reality of high school in a lot of cases like mine._****__**

**_"Are you still coming?" Monica asked her best friend Rachel_****__**

**_"To what?"_****__**

**_"Thanksgiving silly"_****__**

**_"Oh right. Of course"_****__**

**_"Um Ross is bring some friend"_****__**

**_"Yeah? he cute?"_****__**

**_"I dunno. I've never met him"_****__**

**_"Hmmmm wuz his name?"_****__**

**_"Chandler I think.....I don't know"_****__**

**_"That's a weird name"_****__**

**_"Yeah I know" Monica laughed_****__**

**_Once they arrived at school Rachel met up with her boyfriend Chip and Monica went to class early. Besides Rachel she doesn't have any friends and the group she hangs out with loves to tease her so Monica would rather sit by her self. On her way to her home room it felt like everyone was laughing at her. Being over weight isn't easy especially with all the teasing that comes with it. She could feel her self dying each day. A deep depression seems to get worst as time dragged on. Her parents aren't any help either. Judy, her mother, always puts her down and criticizes her while Jack, her father, doesn't seem to notice it. Once she arrived at home room she took her seat in the very back of the class room and waited for the bell to ring. Ten minutes later the bell rang and students started to file in._**   
**_A male student took a seat in front of her and started to laugh with a friend._****__**

**_"Who do you have a crush on?" one student asked_****__**

**_"Monica" the other student started to laugh_****__**

**_Monica closed her eyes and restrained her self from crying. She couldn't give them any thing else to tease her about. The teacher arrived minutes later and started attendance. After that everyone was sent to an assembly about self confidence. Everyone was asked to raise their hands and put them down if they related to a certain question. One of the questions was 'do you regret looking at the person beside you?' and right away the person sitting beside Monica put her hand down. Monica acted like she didn't see but really wanted to break down in tears. This was just a typical school day too. Everyday fellow students would tease and pick on her to her face and probably behind her back._****__**

**_That evening Monica sat in her room for the rest of the night and cried. This was almost becoming a routine. She would go to school and act like everything is fine in her life and then arrive back home and cry. Suicide thoughts even started drifting in her mind. Though she was too afraid to actually do it. Monica sighed and grabbed her diary._****__**

**_"Dear Diary_**   
**_Today at school I was teased and picked on to my face a few times just like any other day. I don't understand. Why me?. Why do I have to be fat and ugly? why does everyone have to tease me? I am going to be alone for the whole life. I mean who wants to date some one like me who is fat. Everyday I cry and no one knows or even cares how sad I am. All my mom and dad care about is my nineteen year old brother Ross. He just started college and my mom doesn't seem to think I will make it that far so she's milking it for all it's worth. Maybe I should just end it all now. Take a bottle of pills from the bath room and just stop it. Stop all the teasing and all the bullying. Stop everything"_****__**

**_Tears fell on her diary soaking the paper. This shouldn't be how life goes. She shouldn't feel depressed and almost to the point of harming her self. She shouldn't be the one that is bullied everyday. Any one but her. But then reality comes to play. She is the one who is depressed and overweight. Everyday she prayed she would wake up thin or better yet wake up as some one else._****__**

**_That Friday it was time for Thanksgiving. While Judy made dinner, Monica and Rachel sat in the living room talking._****__**

**_"Mon I think I'm going to leave a little early"_****__**

**_"Why?"_****__**

**_"Chips parents are out of town so I'm going to stop by his place after dinner"_****__**

**_"So you are guys gonna....you know.....?"_****__**

**_"I don't know. Maybe" Rachel smirked_****__**

**_"Be sure to tell me all about it" Monica whispered. This is as close as she is gonna get._****__**

**_"Definitely"_****__**

**_Monica ran to get the door when she heard some one knock and answered it to reveal Ross and who must be his friend._****__**

**_"Hey Monica! This is my friend Chandler. Is Rachel here?"_****__**

**_"Living room"_****__**

**_"I'm going to go say hi" Ross excused him self and entered the living room_****__**

**_"Hi Chandler. I'm Ross's little sister"_****__**

**_"Oh kay" he scoffed and left to find Ross_****__**

**_Once it was revealed that Chandler refused to eat any thanksgiving food, Monica volunteered to make him some Mac and Cheese. While she made the food Rachel paced back and forth out of boredom._****__**

**_"Rachel. Please stop that pacing"_****__**

**_"Sorry"_****__**

**_"I hope Chandler likes this"_****__**

**_"I think you want him to like more than the food"_****__**

**_"No I don't!"_****__**

**_"Admit it Monica. You have a crush on him"_****__**

**_"I will not admit it because there is nothing to admit too"_****__**

**_"Suureeee"_****__**

**_ "Shut up"_****__**

**_Rachel rolled her eyes and started to check her make up in the toaster reflection. Monica finished up the Mac and Cheese and served it too Chandler._****__**

**_"Here ya go" Monica handed it to him_****__**

**_"Thank's" Chandler started to try the food "This is good"_****__**

**_"Thank you"_****__**

**_"You should be a chef"_****__**

**_"Okay!" she immediately regretted saying that and left the room as fast as she could_****__**

**_Later that evening she over heard Chandler tell Ross that he didn't want to stay around his fat sister. That comment really hurt her. She now knows for certain that her being fat will stop any guy from liking her. Monica sat in her room crying until around midnight when she decided to get a glass of water. On her way to fill up her glass her eye led her to a steak knife laying in the sink. Subconsciously she picked up the knife and held it above her left wrist. All her problems could end now. With a quick move she used the knife and watched her self bleed. She didn't even feel any regret._****__**

**_"Monica!!" Ross ran into the room and wrapped a cloth around her wrist "What the hell are you doing!??"_****__**

**_Monica didn't say anything. She stayed quiet as Ross called for Judy and Jack and as he called an ambulance. She couldn't even see what was the big problem. Once the paramedics arrived they bandaged her wrist and because Monica did this to her self they insisted on admitting her into the hospital. Judy was now convinced that her daughter was crazy and should be admitted for a long time while Jack kept his opinions to him self. The hospital ended up keeping her over night and letting her go in the morning and recommending that Monica start therapy right away. That evening Monica sat in her room writing in her diary when Ross entered._****__**

**_"Can we talk?"_****__**

**_"Now?"_****__**

**_"Yeah"_****__**

**_"Um okay I guess"_****__**

**_"Why did you do it?"_****__**

**_"I'm assuming you mean the wrist thing"_****__**

**_"Yeah. How could you?"_****__**

**_"I've been depressed for a long time Ross. I guess Chandler's comment pushed me over the edge"_****__**

**_"What?"_****__**

**_"Oh please! he didn't want to be left with your FAT sister"_****__**

**_"You heard?"_****__**

**_"Duh!"_****__**

**_"Still Monica how could you hurt your self like that?"_****__**

**_"I don't know! I went to get a glass of water and next thing I knew.....the knife was in my hand and my wrist was bleeding....I didn't plan it or anything"_****__**

**_"When your wrist was bleeding you looked like you wanted to die. Like you didn't care"_****__**

**_"I didn't care......it is hard to explain"_****__**

**_"Obviously because I am not getting it"_****__**

**_"Of course you don't get it. Unless you've been there you can't get it.......you don't know what depression is"_****__**

**_"Guess not" Ross sighed "I guess I will leave you alone. I'm heading back to college tomorrow" with out looking at her, he left the room and shut the door. He seemed to be ashamed to have a sister emotionally unstable like her. She groaned and laid down on her bed. She closed her eyes and imagined what life would be like if she actually succeeded. Her parents would be fine with out her. Monica fell asleep minutes later._****__**

**_The next day Ross and Chandler went back to college and Judy started looking for a psychiatrist for Monica. She looked through the phone book IN Monica's room so she could keep a close eye on her. She wasn't about to let her daughter do anything stupid again._****__**

**_"Mom can't I be alone?"_****__**

**_"Nope" she continued looking in the phone book_****__**

**_"Why not?"_****__**

**_"The doctor want's us to keep a good eye on you"_****__**

**_"I am not going to kill my self!"_****__**

**_"Yeah right" Judy scoffed_****__**

**_Frustrated, Monica sat in the corner of her room and started to read 'Little Woman'. She was now half way through the book and wanted to finish it. Besides with her mom watching her every move there isn't much she can do._****__**

**_At school Monday, Judy asked Rachel to keep a close eye on Monica. In gym class it was time to play basketball and two students were picked as coaches. Everyone seemed to be picked except her. Soon, a team was 'stuck' with her. For the rest of the class Monica sat on the bench while everyone else played. Though she didn't mind too much. She hated playing team sports in gym class. Everyone would just make fun of her even more. For tossing the ball to the wrong person or maybe accidentally going for the wrong net._****__**

**_After school finally ended Monica told Rachel she wasn't feeling very well and couldn't go to her place. She instead went home and sulked in her room for the evening. Judy later informed Monica that she booked an appointment for a psychiatrist for next week._****__**

**_One month later things seemed to be getting better. Monica regularly see's her thearapist at least once a week while Judy put her on a strict diet plan. So far she has lost six pounds and is hoping to lose more as fast as possible. She figured that as soon as she was thin like Rachel everyone would treat her better. She would be picked for basketball and guys would want to ask her out. Everything would be perfect._****__**

**_NOTE: I don't know what hospitals are like in the states or the U.K but here my mom attempted suicide and they only kept her for one night and then released her. And she has done it many times too. Anyway I stopped here because it seemed like a good spot and I don't know if anyone will be interested._****__**

**_"AT SEVENTEEN"_**   
**_By Janis Ian_****__**

**_I learned the truth at seventeen_**   
**_That love was meant for beauty queens_**   
**_And high school girls with clear skinned smiles_**   
**_Who married young and then retired_**   
**_The valentines I never knew_**   
**_The Friday night charades of youth_**   
**_Were spent on one more beautiful_**   
**_At seventeen I learned the truth..._****__**

**_And those of us with ravaged faces_**   
**_Lacking in the social graces_**   
**_Desperately remained at home_**   
**_Inventing lovers on the phone_**   
**_Who called to say "come dance with me"_**   
**_And murmured vague obscenities_**   
**_It isn't all it seems at seventeen..._****__**

**_A brown eyed girl in hand me downs_**   
**_Whose name I never could pronounce_**   
**_Said: "Pity please the ones who serve_**   
**_They only get what they deserve"_**   
**_The rich relationed hometown queen_**   
**_Marries into what she needs_**   
**_With a guarantee of company_**   
**_And haven for the elderly..._****__**

**_So remember those who win the game_**   
**_Lose the love they sought to gain_**   
**_In debitures of quality and dubious integrity_**   
**_Their small-town eyes will gape at you_**   
**_In dull surprise when payment due_**   
**_Exceeds accounts received at seventeen..._****__**

**_To those of us who knew the pain_**   
**_Of valentines that never came_**   
**_And those whose names were never called_**   
**_When choosing sides for basketball_**   
**_It was long ago and far away_**   
**_the world was younger than today_**   
**_when dreams were all they gave for free_**   
**_to ugly duckling girls like me..._****__**

**_We all play the game, and when we dare_**   
**_We cheat ourselves at solitaire_**   
**_Inventing lovers on the phone_**   
**_Repenting other lives unknown_**   
**_That call and say: "Come on, dance with me"_**   
**_And murmur vague obscenities_**   
**_At ugly girls like me, at seventeen..._**   



	2. Show Me The Meaning

**_Show Me The Meaning_**   
Just so you guys know I myself have never tried committing suicide though yes I have seen my mom try more than once. (about five or six overdoses) And I did take what Monica went through in school from what I went through until I thankfully moved away. Though I do have pretty bad depression and self esteem issues I haven't gone as far as Monica will in this chapter. 

Monica Geller couldn't help but smirk when she looked at her self in the mirror. Over the course of a year she managed to lose a lot of the weight she once carried. It was thanksgiving again and Ross was again bringing the boy who hates thanksgiving other wise known as Chandler. She hated him and couldn't wait to show off her new look. No longer is she the fat girl that Chandler refused to be around. This year is the year of revenge. She didn't have anything planned as of yet but he was going to pay for his remarks. Some how he'll pay. 

"Monica!" Judy yelled from downstairs 

"Okay. Show time" Monica straightened her red dress and headed down stairs where Chandler and Ross stood by the entrance with Jack and Judy. 

"Monica you remember Chandler?" Jack greeted 

"Of course" she put on a fake smile 

"Where's Rachel?" Ross had to ask 

"Their family went away this year" Judy sighed "Anyway I better work on dinner" with that she left the room. Jack also left to 'help' her. 

"Man I can't believe Rachel went away" 

"Yeah too bad dude" Chandler said 

"Um Chandler if you want I can make you some Mac and Cheese again" she smiled 

"That would be great" 

"I'll get started then" Monica turned around and entered the kitchen 

"Dude you never mentioned your sister was hot!" 

"Cause she is my sister! and don't even think about it" 

"Sorry" Chandler shuffled his feet 

"Wanna go to my room and listen to music?" 

"Sure I guess" he reluntacly followed Ross up to his bedroom 

Mean while Monica started making Chandler's Mac and Cheese while trying to think of some way to get even with him. Her favorite idea was the one to throw Chandler out side with out any of his clothes on. But that would mean getting him naked which would mean trying to seduce him. The problem with that is she wouldn't know where to start. She has no experience with the opposite sex. It's times like this where she could really use some one like Rachel. 

Later that night she got her chance to try and seduce him while Ross, Judy and Jack left to make an appearance at a friends house. Monica stayed home because she hated her parents friends and she could make a move on Chandler. Though she still hadn't figured out how. 

"Hey" Monica sat on the couch beside Chandler who was watching T.V 

"Hey" 

"What'ca watching?" 

"The Simpsons" 

"Neat" 

"Um listen I've been meaning to talk to you about something" 

"What?" 

"Ross told me about last year" 

"What about last year?" 

"Me calling you fat and then you attempting to kill your self" 

"Oh that........." 

"I am really sorry about calling you...fat.....I never meant to hurt you" 

"What's done is done. You can't change the past" 

"But still. I feel terrible" 

"Just so you know. It isn't your fault I am or was suicidal....a lot of stuff in school and my mom always nagging me.....it just built up until I couldn't take it anymore" 

"Are you in therapy?" 

"Yeah. I have been for a year now" 

"Has it helped?" 

"Why are you so concerned about me?" 

"Is that not allowed? Me caring about you" 

"I didn't think any one cared about me" 

"Why would you think that?" 

"I don't know.....being severely depressed brings your self esteem to minus zero and I dunno I just feel like I could stand in the middle of a crowded room screaming and no one would look" 

"Mon. Trust me you are a beautiful person inside and out, any guy would love to call you his girlfriend" 

"What about you?" 

"Sure. I definitely wouldn't mind having you has a girlfriend" 

"Then prove it" 

"How?" 

"Follow me" Monica took his hand and led him to her bedroom. They then started to make out and ended up going all the way. After having sex they both agreed it was a big mistake and should never be discussed again. Chandler went to the guest bedroom and Monica stayed laying on her bed and let the tears roll down her face. She now knew in her heart that she should have never seduced him like she did. That losing her virginity did not feel good physically or emotionally. It in fact felt awful. 'Boy is my therapist going to have a field day with this' she sniffled. 

As the weeks slowly went by she stayed in her room most of the time not even leaving to attend therapy or even school. Instead she let the depression get worst and more severe. She even got back down to the stage where she wanted to harm her self. Judy of course didn't see it and forced her to go to school. But Monica would instead go to an abandoned warehouse and sit on the edge of the roof watching cars drive by. It would take some self coaching to not jump and end it all. After sitting on the roof everyday for a week the school must of made some phone calls home because one day Ross followed her. On this day instead of sitting on the edge she was standing. 

"What are you doing??" 

"Standing" Monica simply replied 

"On the edge of a roof???" 

"So?" 

"So?? What if you fall!?" 

"If I fall then I fall" 

"Oh my god" 

"What?" 

"Your suicidal again aren't you?" 

"I don't think I ever stopped wanting to die" 

"I do not understand why do you WANT to die??" 

"I've explained this to you Ross! Unless you are extremely depressed then you can't understand!!" 

"Jesus christ Monica!! Killing your self is the cowards way out! By jumping you hurt everyone around you don't you see that!??" 

"Bull shit! like anyone would care if I died!! If anything I'd be doing you guys a favor" 

"How can I make you understand?? no one hates you!" 

"Oh yeah!!?? all the teasing and nagging and everything came out of LOVE!?? You have no idea how much shit I have been through okay!??" 

"Then tell me okay? help me help you" 

"Step off of the ledge!" a police officer yelled from down below. Obviously some one saw her standing there in tears and called 911. A small crowd also started gathering. Some guy even yelled for her to jump. 

"I don't need help Ross. I need a miracle" 

Monica watched a group of police officers down below obviously trying to figure out a way to get her off the ledge. They probably figured she was a suicidal maniac. She figured she was just doing the world a favor. Minutes later one of the officers came on to the roof. 

"I am just here to help okay?" 

"If you want to help, you can leave me alone" 

"How old are you?" 

"Eighteen" 

"Your still young. You have plenty to live for" 

"Whatever" 

"Besides you don't even know how bad life gets" 

"Okay number one, you have never been a teenage girl before and second of all you aren't making me wanna live any more" 

"Just step off of the ledge" 

Monica just glared at the officer. She wasn't going to let him tell her what and what not to do. After all it is up to her if she wants to die or live. Ross meanwhile was talking on his cell phone, probably telling their parents how crazy she had gotten. 

"This is your last warning. Step off of the ledge" he slowly made his way towards her 

"What are you going to do to me? shoot me?" 

"No...." the police officer grabbed Monica around her waist and dragged her off the ledge. He then proceeded to take her down below for medical attention. Why she didn't know because she was obviously not physically hurt. After paramedics checked her out she was released into her parents custody. Judy kept saying how sick she was of Monica's actions while Jack kept quiet. Ross noticed how her breakdowns always came after a visit from Chandler but didn't say anything. Monica sat in the back seat with her eyes closed. The last thing she needs is a lecture from her mother. Once they arrived home Judy sent Monica straight to her room and demanded she stay there. Monica didn't care though. She was glad to be away from everyone. 

She grabbed her diary and started a new entry. 

"Dear Diary,   
Today Ross followed me to an old warehouse where I happened to be standing on the ledge of the roof. Until Ross started telling me not to jump and how stupid I was being, I really hadn't planned on jumping at all. But the more he said not too, the more I wanted too. Even though I know people who love me. I feel extremely alone and sad all the time. I really wish all this pain would just go away but the only way for that to happen is for me too go away. Take that eternal nap.....but when ever I try someone stops me. Maybe that is a sign. I dunno. One thing I know is that I can not wait to go to college in the fall. If I even make it that far..." 

Monica closed her diary shut and put it under her mattress. That was the only place she knew her mother wouldn't look. She wiped away yet another tear and decided to have a bath. After getting into the hot water and closing her eyes, she emerged her head under the water and held her breath. She managed to hold it for quite a long time until she finally re-emerged. 

"If only I could just drown and everything would go away" she muttered 

After she finished her bath, she went back to her bedroom where she found Ross and Judy searching and taking everything out of place. "What are you guys doing??" 

"Taking anything sharp" 

"Or anything you can hurt your self with" Ross added 

"Oh my god. Will you please leave!??" 

"Not until we're finished" Judy replied 

"Ughhh! fine I'll change in the bathroom" Monica grabbed a pair of pajamas and stomped off back to the bathroom where she slowly changed. "I can not believe those two" she angrily brushed her hair. That night she made a choice. As soon as she graduated high school she was leaving. She could not stand living with them any longer. Maybe she could go live in the city. Her grandmother has been thinking of moving to Florida so she could snatch her apartment.   
This could be what she needs to move past her depression. Losing weight obviously hadn't helped her very much so starting over could be what she needs. 

**_Show Me The Meaning (Of Being Lonely)_**   
_Backstreet Boys___

_Show me the meaning of being lonely_   
_So many words for the broken heart_   
_It's hard to see in a crimson love_   
_So hard to breathe_   
_Walk with me, and maybe_   
_Nights of light so soon become_   
_Wild and free I could feel the sun_   
_Your every wish will be done_

_They tell me..._

_CHORUS_   
_Show me the meaning of being lonely_   
_Is this the feeling I need to walk with_   
_Tell me why I can't be there where you are_   
_There's something missing in my heart_

_Life goes on as it never ends_   
_Eyes of stone observe the trends_   
_They never say forever gaze_   
_Guilty roads to an endless love_   
_There's no control_   
_Are you with me now_   
_Your every wish will be done_   
_They tell me_

_Chorus_

_There's nowhere to run_   
_I have no place to go_   
_Surrender my heart' body and soul_   
_How can it be you're asking me to feel the things you never show_

_You are missing in my heart_   
_Tell me why I can't be there where you are_

_Chorus_   
  
  



	3. Suicide Is Painless

**_Suicide Is Painless_**   
_Note: I have no idea what the legal age is for working in strip clubs nor do I know how much they make, also I live in Canada and our laws are a lot of the times different from the usa._

Monica groaned as she entered her new apartment and slammed the door shut. She is now nineteen and living in her grandmothers old apartment. She is also an unemployed college drop out. She did try college but found it too overwhelming so she dropped out after five months. Now she is on her own with no money.   
She just arrived back from which seemed like endless job interviews for every type of job out there. From a grocery store to an office building. No one wanted to hire a drop out like her self. Desperate for a job, Monica started looking in the adult section of the classifieds. After all money is money. 'Wanted: Exotic Dancer. No experience necessary.Pays Great. 555-3432'. The words _Pays Great_ was all the she needed to see. Monica phoned the place and set up an appointment. While laying in bed that night she thought about everything that has happened since high school. She has attempted to kill her self twice, lost her virginity, moved on her own and is now so desperate for money she has an appointment for a strip club. She had thought about asking her parents or Ross for money but she lost contact with them when she moved out. She also lost contact with Rachel so she is basically all alone. 

The next day Monica put on a pair of flares and a T-shirt before heading down to the strip club for her appointment. She found about ten guys watching two girls walk down a run way and strip their clothes. The rest of the club basically comprised of a bar and one other run way. For a strip club anyway the place is pretty clean and probably well kept. 

"You here for the interview?" a pretty nice looking man approached her. He wore a T-shirt and shorts. 

"Um yeah" 

"Right this way" he led her to a back room which had a desk and two chairs "Your name?" 

"Monica Geller" 

"I'm Max Tanner. I own this place" 

"Nice to meet you Mr.Tanner" 

"Please. Call me Max" 

"Okay..Max" 

"Do you have any experience?" 

"No" 

"How old are you?" 

"Nineteen. I'm living on my own and I really need money" 

"You are a legal adult so legally I can hire you, you just can't drink" 

"I'm allowed to strip but not allowed to drink?" 

"Yeah I know" he rolled his eyes "Anyway. Can you dance?" 

"Well I have never exactly tried but I can learn" 

"Are you comfortable getting naked in front of a bunch of horny men?" 

"For money yeah" 

"Hmmmm.......stand up" 

"Okay" Monica stood up though she couldn't understand why 

"You have the figure for the job" 

"Thanks" 

"Last question. Your okay working all hours?" 

"Yes I am" 

"Do you have any questions for me?" 

"The guys....they aren't allowed to touch are they?" 

"No. Not unless you allow them too" 

"That was my only question" 

"I think you have the potential to go far here so I am going to give you a chance" 

"Oh wow thank you" 

"You start Monday at 7:00 P.M" 

"Thank you" 

Monica shook his hand and found her way out of the building. She found it odd that he told her she has a great figure. After all her low self esteem comes from hating her self and her body. Now she was going to make money off of it. When she arrived at her apartment she found boxes sitting in front of the apartment across the hall. Some one must have finally rented it. Not thinking anything of it, she entered her apartment and started practicing in her bedroom where no one could see her. She knew a lot of the money came from tips so she was going to need a good act. After practicing for an hour someone, probably the new neighbor, knocked at the door. 

"Coming!" Monica yelled. She answered the door shocked to find the boy who hates thanksgiving or Chandler standing in front of her. "Chandler??" 

"Monica! wow what a coincidence!" 

"YOU are the one moving in??" 

"Yeah!" 

"I can't believe this!" 

"So you wanna get a drink or something?" 

"Yeah okay" Monica grabbed her coat and they went to a Starbucks right down the rode. Both didn't say very much until they each had their coffee. 

"So what are you doing living on your on?" 

"I just had to get out of the house. I couldn't stand my mom and Ross watching me 24/7" 

"You working? or going to school?" 

"Ummm yeah I just got a job today in fact and I dropped out of college" 

"Really? Where you working?" 

"Just this place downtown.....so what have you been up too?" 

"After I got out of college I got a job at this company as a data processor and I'm still there" 

"A what?" 

"I'm not even sure what it is" he joked "Anyway how is Ross doing?" 

"I don't know" 

"What?" 

"I sorta lost contact with him and my parents when I moved out" 

"That's too bad" 

"Eh. Not really" she smiled half way 

"How long have you been out on your own?" 

"A year. Since I got out of high school" 

"Ah" 

"Um I gotta go" Monica grabbed her coat and walked out of the coffee house with out waiting for Chandler to respond. She found it odd being around him again. Especially since the last time she saw him was when they slept together. Instead of going back to her apartment, she found her self on the roof of her building. Just like before at the warehouse, she stood on the ledge and watched the world go by. She closed her eyes and imagined jumping. Everything would be gone. All the pain wouldn't be there anymore. Then reality would set in once she re-opened her eyes. She is still alive and so is all the hurt. A stray tear streamed down her face. What does she have to live for?. A job as a stripper. That is all that she has. No friends, family or even a boyfriend. Heck she doesn't even have a pet. Monica dangled her right foot over the ledge. As she was about to put her left foot over the ledge. Something pushed her back on to the cement. Causing her to land right on her back. "Shit. Chandler!!" 

"Good thing I followed you" 

"You followed me??" Monica asked through her pain 

"That's besides the point. What were you doing?" 

"I just wanted to end it all okay??" 

"Why?" 

"I'd rather NOT talk about it" she pushed her self off of the ground, ignoring the shooting pain. 

"I'll walk you to your apartment" Chandler escorted her back to her apartment and then entered his 

Monica had a hot bath before changing into her pajamas and getting into bed. She tried falling asleep but couldn't. She could not figure out why Chandler would want to follow her. After tossing and turning for a couple hours, she decided to go ask him. Once she banged on the door a couple times Chandler answered. 

"Mon? What is going on?" 

"Why did you follow me??" 

"Because I wanted to tell you.......something" 

"What?" 

"That since you and me....well had sex...I haven't been able to stop thinking about you" he blurted 

"Really?" 

"Yeah really" 

"I don't know what to say" 

"You don't have to say anything" 

"I just don't think............. I'm mentally stable enough to date or anything. It's hard to explain" 

Chandler paused "Do you wanna come in?" 

"Um sure" Monica entered. The apartment pretty much consisted of box's "Nice" 

"I know. I haven't had a chance to unpack" 

"So what do you want to do?" 

"Want a beer? or do you not drink?" 

"I'm underage" 

"If you want one I won't tell" 

"Yeah okay I'll have one" Chandler then handed her one and grabbed one for him self "Can I ask you something?" 

"Shoot" 

"Have you really thought about me?" 

"Why would I lie?" 

"I dunno" 

"Judging by your roof stunt you still have problems with depression?" 

"Is it that obvious?" 

"No. I'm just smart" he laughed at his own joke 

"Can we move on to a different subject?" 

"Sure" 

After drinking one too many beers Monica started to become nauseous and threw up in the bathroom. Chandler held her hair back and then led her to the couch. 

"This is your first time drinking isn't it?" 

"Yeah. Seems like all my firsts are with you........." she groaned 

"Maybe there will be a second time" Chandler kissed her on the forehead "And I don't mean me watching you go through a hang over" 

"Hmmmmm" Monica moaned 

"Night" Chandler watched her for a minute before going to bed him self. 

Monica woke up feeling sicker then she has felt in quite some time. Her head pounded like crazy and she felt like throwing up. 'So this is what a hang over feels like' she thought. 

"How ya feeling?" Chandler entered from his bedroom 

"I've been better" 

"Want some coffee?" 

"Please" 

"So what you doing today?" he started to make conversation as he made the coffee 

"I start work" 

"You never mentioned what your new job is" 

"Secretary" Monica told him the first thing that came to mind 

"Oh that's great" he smiled "Here is your coffee" 

"Thanks" 

"What time do you start?" 

"Not until later on tonight" 

"A secretary job at night?" 

"Um I gotta go. Thanks for the coffee" Monica jumped up from the couch and ran out of the apartment 

That night was her first day on the job. Her new boss basically instructed her to dance and slowly take off her clothes until she was naked, dance some more and then slowly move off of the stage. Simple enough. She was also to stay on stage for a minimum of ten minutes at a time. Monica felt extremely nervous but some how managed to pull it off or rather pull her clothes off with out anything embarrassing happening. It is some what of a rush to have men yelling at you for more and you almost forget what is going on or where you are. She ended up getting off of work around two in the morning and got home at three. In all she managed to make seventy dollars in tips plus in a couple weeks is the pay check. 

For the next couple of months as much as Monica hates it, she has kept on working at the club. The only good thing that keeps her working there is the money. The money she earns is more than enough for rent, and all the bills plus it gives her extra spending money to buy what she wants. Her and Chandler also managed to become close friends. She knew that he was suspicious of her 'secretary' job making so much money but so far he hasn't said anything. He as almost become her therapist so to speak. She is able to talk to him about anything and is there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. One night they decided to hang out and watch a movie together. Monica picked Titanic. 

"This is so sad" Monica sniffled 

"Yeah" he had to agree "For a chick flick" 

"Oh shut up" 

"Jack isn't even real" 

"That isn't the point dummy" 

"How old are you again?" 

"Nineteen. And you?" 

"Twenty One" 

"Weird. You sure don't act like it" 

"Like you do" 

"Okay prove it" 

Chandler leaned in and kissed her quickly on the lips, "How's that?" 

"I need more proof" 

"Oh kay" he leaned in this time kissing her with more passion 

After a minute or so Monica finally broke the kiss, "I can't do this" 

"Do what?" 

"This. Us" 

"Why not?" 

"I just can't. I'm sorry" Monica got off the couch and entered her bedroom 

"Not as sorry as I am" he muttered before leaving the apartment 

Monica laid down on her bed and started to cry into her pillow. Part of her still hates him for calling her fat and another part of her also really likes him. She felt so conflicted she didn't know what to do. So she just laid in her bed and let the tears flow down her face. Later that night she wandered in to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. She also went into the bathroom and grabbed a bottle of tylenol. She then sat at the kitchen table and tried to write things worth living for but couldn't think of anything. 'How pathetic am I?'   
she groaned to her self 'I can't think of one freaking thing worth living for'. 

With out hesitating she opened the bottle and then downed the whole thing. After that everything went black, because after all, suicide is painless. 

**_Suicide Is Painless_**   
_By Johnny Mandel_

_Through early morning fog I see,_   
_Visions of the things to be,_   
_The pains that are withheld for me,_   
_I realize and I can see..._

_[REFRAIN]:_

_That suicide is painless._   
_It brings on many changes._   
_And I can take or leave it if I please._

_I try to find a way to make,_   
_All our little joys relate,_   
_Without that ever-present hate,_   
_But now I know that it's too late, and..._

_[REFRAIN]_

_The game of life is hard to play,_   
_I'm gonna lose it anyway._   
_The losing card I'll someday lay,_   
_So this is all I have to say._

_[REFRAIN]_

_The only way to win is cheat,_   
_And lay it down before I'm beat,_   
_And to another give my seat,_   
_For that's the only painless feat._

_[REFRAIN]_

_The sword of time will pierce our skins._   
_It doesn't hurt when it begins._   
_But as it works its way on in,_   
_The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but..._

_[REFRAIN]_

_A brave man once requested me,_   
_to answer questions that are key._   
_Is it to be or not to be?_   
_And I replied 'Oh why ask me?'_

_[REFRAIN]_

_'Cause suicide is painless._   
_It brings on many changes._   
_And I can take or leave it if I please._

_...And you can do the same thing if you choose._   
  



End file.
